Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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