I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
