I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
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