first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
