I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
