What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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