I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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