my mouth tastes like poor choices
Swine flu is the new snow day.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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