I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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