he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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