How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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