sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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