non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
