My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
