I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
