Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
