I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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