Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
