Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
