Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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