true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
