My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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