I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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