Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
