i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
