No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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