I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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