I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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