Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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