Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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