his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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