now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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