god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Also, beer. Big fan.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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