also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
