Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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