A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
