I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
