I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
