6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
40s are totally the cure
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Randomize
