he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
