I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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