that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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