If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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