I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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