apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
