Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
