Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
