I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Randomize
