chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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