I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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